i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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