I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Randomize
