while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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