Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
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