Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
