Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
how drunk are you?
Several
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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