I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
3 2 1 whiskey
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
