you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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