me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
