..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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