I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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