New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
