I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Randomize
