I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
