I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
