During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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