Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
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