i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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