Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
