Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
