Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
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I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
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Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
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