I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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