He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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