peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
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