well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
