My liver just broke up with me...
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Randomize
