The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Randomize
