If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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