After last night, I could never be a politician.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize
