i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
