btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
