Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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