Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
