WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize
