im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
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