Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
look no pants
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
