i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
