By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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