Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
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