i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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