my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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