The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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