The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Randomize
