and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Randomize
