I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
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