Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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