I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
