Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
