Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
