I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
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