PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
