Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Randomize
