Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
