they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
