If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
