The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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