I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
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got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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