You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
