Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Ketchup is God's man juice
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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